FOR HEAVENS SAKE: Rules for the café

I was reminded this morning of how obnoxious cyclists can be at cafés.   The cultured readers of this blog would never behave in such a manner, but feel free to share these 10 simple rules with your less-refined acquaintances.

  1. Stack your bikes neatly. That means not blocking the footpath and alternating the bikes front to back, saddle leaning against the next bike’s handlebars, and so on.
  2. Before entering a cafe: remove your helmet, sunglasses and (heaven forbid) your bandana.
  3. Do you put your sweat-drenched helmet on the table where the next customer will eat? That is gross. Helmets should always be left with your bike.
  4. Just because you’re in lycra doesn’t mean you need to shout. What’s with that? Turn the volume down.
  5. There is never, ever an acceptable reason to take off your shoes in a cafe.
  6. If you’re a sweaty, stinking mess – sit outside and as far away from other patrons as possible.  No one wants their breakfast to be spoiled by your vile stench. Better still: go home, have a shower and come back like a normal human being.
  7. Espresso is not ‘pro’ or ‘euro’.  It’s a preference, like crunchy vs. smooth peanut butter. Drink what you like and we’ll all appear less pretentious.
  8. In fact, please don’t use the words ‘pro’ or ‘euro’ within earshot of other cafe patrons. They already hate you enough.
  9. While the group of 10 cyclists you’re with is engrossed in loud conversation about some inane-bike-related-shit, your waiter has been holding your coffee and saying “who ordered a LONG MAC?” over and over.  No one else does this except for cyclists.  Listen!
  10. There are bike-friendly and less-bike-friendly cafes.  Don’t fight the tide…this isn’t the Montgomery Bus boycott.  Just go where you’re welcome.

Terrible role models:




16 thoughts on “FOR HEAVENS SAKE: Rules for the café

  1. Love it, especially item 5. I saw a guy take his shoes off the other day and it’d unacceptable. keep up the good work NB.

  2. Cycling etiquette 101. Love it.
    Lucky there are so many good cafe’s in Melb eh, we can avoid the traditional cyclists haunts & enjoy apres ride caffe in peace & quite.

  3. I promise to obey this rules based upon a few conditions.

    1, never ask me how much my bike cost. When I tell you you will say something stupid like”I can by a car for that”
    2, never touch my bike or lift up the handle bars and say “wow it’s light” yes that’s because the back wheels still on the floor and you used it as a pivot.
    3, never tell me the roads are dangerous and I’m mad, your the car driver after all.
    4, never ask me do I race, I don’t ask you if you sit in doors all day.

    There are more to be added . I will let my fellow cyclist friends take over.

  4. The trouble is a cafe owner would prefer 10 cyclists eating and drinking , then one nobody taking up space reading and drinking a Decaf .

  5. Awesome article, to add….do’t eat your energy food while in the cafe and certainly not your bruised banana. No gloves on tables. No hogging tables with only coffee’s, cafe’s dont need that as business. In fact, go home, shower and go back in your normal clothes, you will feel better!

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