I was reminded this morning of how obnoxious cyclists can be at cafés. The cultured readers of this blog would never behave in such a manner, but feel free to share these 10 simple rules with your less-refined acquaintances.
- Stack your bikes neatly. That means not blocking the footpath and alternating the bikes front to back, saddle leaning against the next bike’s handlebars, and so on.
- Before entering a cafe: remove your helmet, sunglasses and (heaven forbid) your bandana.
- Do you put your sweat-drenched helmet on the table where the next customer will eat? That is gross. Helmets should always be left with your bike.
- Just because you’re in lycra doesn’t mean you need to shout. What’s with that? Turn the volume down.
- There is never, ever an acceptable reason to take off your shoes in a cafe.
- If you’re a sweaty, stinking mess – sit outside and as far away from other patrons as possible. No one wants their breakfast to be spoiled by your vile stench. Better still: go home, have a shower and come back like a normal human being.
- Espresso is not ‘pro’ or ‘euro’. It’s a preference, like crunchy vs. smooth peanut butter. Drink what you like and we’ll all appear less pretentious.
- In fact, please don’t use the words ‘pro’ or ‘euro’ within earshot of other cafe patrons. They already hate you enough.
- While the group of 10 cyclists you’re with is engrossed in loud conversation about some inane-bike-related-shit, your waiter has been holding your coffee and saying “who ordered a LONG MAC?” over and over. No one else does this except for cyclists. Listen!
- There are bike-friendly and less-bike-friendly cafes. Don’t fight the tide…this isn’t the Montgomery Bus boycott. Just go where you’re welcome.
Terrible role models: